"Tomorrow will be different."

I wake up. My first thought is: “I won’t drink tonight.” 

I wonder if anyone else wakes up thinking the same thing? Often during the day I think about how I won’t drink that night; I don’t need it, I tell myself. The day wears on at work. Someone has let me down again. Now I’ve got to spend hours fixing that up. I begin to think that I’ve had a bad day. I’m stressed. I need to relax. Finally, I’m out the door. I get home. The washing is still out on the line, getting damp. The dog and cat haven’t been fed, and they look at me expectantly the second I open the front door. School bags and uniforms are strewn all over the floor. The kids are yelling at each other. There’s an argument about watching Netflix on a school night. There’s an argument about why homework hasn’t been done. There’s an argument about rudeness. “I’m stressed,” I tell myself. I need to relax. 

I know I said I wouldn’t, but I open a bottle of wine. I feel weak, like I’m betraying myself. I should be stronger. I tell myself that tomorrow will be different. I’ll start tomorrow. The sound of the wine gurgling into the glass is the best sound I have heard all day. I love it. I take a sip and feel myself instantly relax even though I know the wine can’t possibly relax me so quickly. 

My husband says, “What are you doing? I thought we weren’t going to drink tonight?” 

I can’t do without it. I need it to relax. The bottle is finished while we’re having dinner. We open another. 

I wake up. My first thought is: “I won’t drink tonight.”

I grew up in a household where alcohol was drunk every night. My parents first started giving me wine with dinner when I was 12. My mother said it would get me “used to it” so that when I went to parties I wouldn’t get drunk as quickly as other people. In my teens, “going out” meant “getting drunk.” I am very shy, and alcohol allows me to do and say things I would never do when sober, even to this day. 

I worry about what alcohol is doing to my health. It’s a habit. I need it to help me cope when things go wrong: “Our dog was hit by a car. I need a wine.” “A tree fell on our house. I need a wine.” “This plumbing work is going to cost a fortune. I need a wine.” 

I also associate it with enjoyable activities: “I love having a wine while I’m watching this TV show.” “I love having a wine while I’m on the phone to this friend.” “I love having a wine while I’m buying music on iTunes.” 

I worry about what my children think of my drinking, about how they see me, about what their drinking habits will be. Drinking is in their genes, whether or not they like it. 

I am taking steps. I’m cutting back. I’m feeling better about my life. I’m more tolerant of my teenagers’ behavior. I’m trying not to feel stressed about every little thing that happens to me. I’m trying to let go.

                                                                                                                        —Cat, 46